So...apparently...I am a horrible person. Why? Because I was upfront and honest. Rather than pretend to feel a way I didn't and be someone I wasn't, I informed someone that I was not interested and was planning on attempting to salvage a relationship with another. And for this I am a horrible person and should go screw myself. Go figure. I suppose it would have been much better if I'd pretended to care when I didn't, to lie to said person and do the salvaging behind his back, to string him along for days, weeks, months, acting as if everything was absolutely fine and then eventually break the news to him that none of it had been real. I'm sure that would have hurt so much less than letting him know up front. Absolutely. Idiot. If doing what I did makes me a horrible person, bring on the horrible-ness. I'm totally ok with it. Ugh! Why do people not think before they speak? What is so incredibly hard about that? I'd love to know, but something tells me there is no logical answer. Because people are stupid. End of story.

So ends my rant. Ciao!

poetry

I used to have all of my poetry posted in other online places, but decided that such a place as this was more appropriate. While my pieces were posted one at a time on other sites, they are all being posted at once here, because this is simply easier than creating a number of new posts. So, please feel free to read one or all, and as with all my writing, comments and critiques are always welcome. Enjoy.

Seizing

I reached out, picked up
as I had time and again,
Turned around, leaned back,
thinking, waiting…

I glanced over, grinned
getting ready to roll my eyes,
Heard her, listened,
fearing, dreading…

My heart dropped, breath caught
as my world came to a halt,
Affirmed, let go,
running, falling…

I entered in, shut out,
heard the question asked.
I answered, then crumbled,
gasping, weeping…

I walked away, drifted,
saw the clouds and lines rush by
Pictured, imagined,
sleeping, dying…

I arrived, sat down
stared hard but saw naught.
Refused comfort, drew away
crying, aching…

And after a moment,
seconds…
a lifetime…

I witnessed, observed
and my world began to spin
Reassured, answered,
awaking, rejoicing…alive.


Exhilaration

Trapped by ideals,
Afraid to let go
I tensed and retreated
And softly said no.

And terror abounded
As my heart quickened pace.
Control swiftly fading,
Instinct taking its place.

The movements were new,
Feelings raw and unreal
I trembled and shook
And tried not to feel.

He whispered my name.
I looked into his eyes
And saw reassurance.
I had only to try.

Black and white faded
As color exploded
Gasping and sighing
In pleasure I floated.

And so I let go
Free to feel, free to fall
No distress, no regrets
As I broke down the wall.


Rivers

Since time began,
Existence has been theirs.
He reached out,
Set their course
And then watched them flow.

Through the ages,
Strength has been theirs.
O’er the rocks,
Through the trees,
Constant and steady they flow.

As the sun sets today,
My love has been theirs.
Miles away,
Far yet near,
They carry my heart as they flow.

In tomorrow’s tomorrow,
Life will still be theirs.
Hand in hand,
Heart in heart,
We’ll walk alongside as they flow.


Wednesday Nights

Zero degrees…
Initial comfort,
Fingers nimble,
Eyes alert,
Mind ready.

Ninety-three degrees…
Early shifting,
Couple clicks,
Back and forth,
Slight wandering.

Two hundred and fifty-six degrees…
Heavy sigh,
Watching hands,
Flipping pages,
Attention ceases.

Three hundred and seventy-five degrees…
Muscles stretch,
Tendons crack,
Fingers race,
Dreading return.

Seven hundred and twenty degrees…
Voices drone,
Pencils tap,
Scrolling through,
Utter boredom.

One thousand degrees…
Folding over,
Slipping on,
Racing out,
Freedom beckons.


(in progress)

The single bloom was lost, adrift
Alone in winter’s chill
Its petals drawn in tight and taut
Surviving by sheer will.

Abandoned by the outside world
Beset by wind and snow
The bloom began to wilt and die
No will was left to grow.

And then one day you crossed its path
You paused and then you sought
To give life back to the dull bloom
And see it as it ought.

Your presence was a bright hot sun
Which melted the cold frost
And when the heat embraced the bloom
Life was no longer lost.


Release

The day was one
of peaceful accord,
the sky calm,
the air still.
Yet the slightest hint of tension
surfaced and lingered,
drawing me out.
So I arose
and drifted towards the shore.

Looking out over the waves,
shining blue
and clear,
the tension grew.
Stretching forth its fingers
it stroked my soul
and discomfort
warred with serenity.

The breeze began to quicken.
The waves
jumped up and fell.
Whispering softly into the wind,
I pleaded,
asking the stillness to stay.
But tension demanded
the day.

The sky grew dark and grim,
the wind,
damp and chill.
Shuddering, my heart
began to sob,
desperate for something
unknown
it had yet to name.

A single bolt lit up the sea
as the clouds
churned and swirled,
and with a glance
I saw It there,
struggling,
sinking slowly beneath the surface
of the waves.
A novel spark was lit.

The spark in me
flashed
and glimmered.
But the wind blew fierce
so I turned away,
begging silently
for the flash to die
and the quiet to return.

But tension would not be flouted,
nor the storm overlooked
or disregarded.
And the gale
rose up.
Winds hard,
waves high
and I felt Its pull
and turned.

It drew me forth,
back
to the edge of the sea.
Crying out,
It called to me, luring me,
enticing me into
a tempest of which
I was too scared to face
but couldn’t
escape.

As I watched It strain,
and watched
It strive
my heart tore free.
But I stood
still
as the rains began
to fall,
torn between the
heart of the storm and
the mind of the calm.

The thunder
rolled
and roared
as the waves grew high and swelled.
The wind circled
and swirled
as the rain fell down
in torrents
and tension reigned.
It opened Its eyes,
piercing me with Its gaze.

And in that moment,
my heart soared and flew
racing along with
the wind.
Without a choice and
with a feeling of
freedom
I embraced the storm
and dove into
the angry sea.

Fighting the waves,
trying to breathe,
I followed
my heart
to It.
And when I settled into
Its waiting arms,
tension retreated
and I found
the peace
that had eluded me.


Fury

Small, it starts,
a tiny flare,
in a pit both deep and wide.
I feel the spark,
the flash of heat,
the rushing wave of a tide.

The flare, it grows,
stretching high.
The heat begins to spread.
The air grows still,
my eyes grow hot,
overwhelmed by shades of red.

Tension seeps
into the room.
Her eyes meet mine, retreat.
Anger brims,
fights for release,
erupts, embraces heat.

Burning hot,
it spreads and grows
into a sea of flame.
I close my eyes,
beg for release
from the bitterness and rage.

She leaves the room,
it starts to cool,
to slowly drain away.
A winter chill
o'ertakes the heat,
forever takes its place.


Longing

As you slip out of your dreams
I am falling into mine.
And in that brief moment,
that instant flash of time,
hands brush, minds meet,
hearts perfectly align.

Moments pass, you disappear
and I drift through dreams alone.
Familiar sights, they haunt me
and sometimes things unknown,
but always, always,
I search for you, for home.

And as the winds of time blow by
your presence draws ever near.
Yet I wait on the brink
filled with love and with fear
for as you enter,
I must leave here.

Brief passes in the night,
no time to speak or touch.
Yet in matters of the heart
so little is enough.
For although apart,
we're embraced by love.

So as your dreams hail you
I must rise up and wake.
In passing my heart calls,
yours answers and it waits
until, once again
in dreams we may meet.


Restlessness

I couldn’t say why
but I just couldn’t stay.
I felt the need simply to go.
But as the trees flew by
and the lines blurred past,
the need didn’t wither, but grew.

And when I arrived
there at my journey’s end
something told me I just wasn’t done.
The need gripped me tightly,
it wouldn’t let go
so I turned back around and I ran.

Past houses, past cars,
through the fields and the woods
through cities and counties and states
I ran right to the end,
the edge of the earth
and yet the need lingered, so strong.

So I turned around,
and ran back to my home.
The need would not ever depart.
No place was far enough
in all of the world.
So now, oh need, where shall I go?


Abandoning Acquiescence

For years I’ve walked ‘round in circles,
towards a place I can’t see and don’t know
not caring enough to do more than be,
convincing myself I was content.

Never questioning the path that I walked-
a path that others had set,
following a dream that was never mine
but believing it had to be meant.

And because I never had to before
I refused to say yes or say no.
Scared to be wrong, to say something amiss,
with whatever you wanted, I went.

And I just couldn’t see, I didn’t understand
why it angered and frustrated you so.
Focused on you, I lost sight of me—
my own worth I’d simply forget.

My love for you I would always put first,
not seeing that you did the same.
You wouldn’t allow me to lose sight of myself
and the life that I hadn’t lived yet.

You opened my eyes and forced me to look,
to acknowledge I’m worth more than I thought.
In loving myself I can better love you
throughout any and all, ‘til the end.


Untamed

He tells me he's wild, and it may be so,
but why should I care?
If he is wild, then he is wildness and
wildness is he
and he is for me.


Moments

Roads are for journeys and my journey is long.
And yet,
though time passes slow,
the sights fly by in flashes that I can’t get back.

I glance back to see, but they are gone.
And so I turn back,
look forward,
and am determined to not miss the next.

And as the journey continues
I realize,
time doesn’t matter.
Worry ceases
and I feel a great freedom.

Looking forward I anticipate,
and I don’t miss the next flash.
A smile, a tear, an embrace.

Roads are for journeys
and this one is mine.


My Warrior

I was there at your beginning,
we’ll be together at the end.
And between you and me, from then until now
is a sea of memories in which I’ll float
while you are gone.

Each wave a picture,
each tide bringing feelings to match,
flowing together, seamless, endless.
They are you, they are me,
forever entwined.

I climbed up next to her as she held you in her arms,
little more than a babe myself.
You gurgled, I laughed.
So small, yet with a grip so strong,
I marveled at the wonder of you.

And as you grew, so did I.
Fighting became a favorite pastime.
I complained, you whined, you shouted, I screamed.
But it never mattered in the end
because the love between siblings always won out.

I nearly killed him when he called you names.
You almost killed him when he broke my heart.
I’ve cried on your shoulder and you’ve cried on mine.
Neither of us asking for the other,
both of us knowing we didn’t have to.

Through the past years we’ve always been together.
I left for a time, then came home.
Now you do the same.
No longer a child, you’ve grown into quite a man
and have your own road to follow.

You’ve grown in faith, in strength, in love
and now put those qualities to the test.
As you embark on life, know this:
All the pride and love I possess
go with you, my brother.

You go to fight an ongoing battle,
for life, for freedom, for you, for me.
Be always strong, my little warrior,
and always look to Him for guidance
for He will never fail to show you the way home.

Searching

Her fear kept her silent.
Desperation made her cling
to a love that was broken,
beaten and worn.
The loss she would feel
should she set free her thoughts
was a cost she was certain
her soul could not bear.

He asked her to speak.
In his eyes she could see
His expectation, demanding,
silent and strong.
She searched for the words,
reached deep down inside,
but failing, unable,
she turned and hid away.

Convincing herself
that her love was enough,
she ignored all that left her
unhappy and hurt.
But a whisper of doubt
her companion became.
And his words told her softly:
Be yourself, who you’re meant to be.

And the thought crossed her mind
should she follow his advice,
she must suffer that loss
aching and deep.
Yet what was the point
of an unfounded love
if she gave up herself
just to keep it alive?

The pain was severe
as she released and let go.
His heart for her life,
her own but alone.
And as she walked away,
her heart fractured, yet whole,
she told herself firmly
that she would survive.

So the hours slipped past,
the days turned into weeks.
And she found her footing,
Confident, sure.
Yet she missed the clear sound
of his voice in her ear
and the feel of his skin
on her fingertips.

Then the question sprang forth,
the answer fast on its heels.
Could she not truly have both,
herself and her heart?
For the thing she’d feared losing
she’d already lost—
through her own inaction
due to fear and distrust.

Her thoughts left unspoken
she suddenly voiced
and the heart she’d kept hidden
now opened, embraced.
He listened, accepted
and welcomed her home.
Her heart joined with his—
fear no longer reigned.

A Rough Draft

This is the beginning of a story that I've been working on for a while now. I don't know how long the finished product may be, or if it actually will ever be finished. It is my hope that someday it will be, given the time and effort. I will continue to post portions of it as they are written, though again, there will be no actual schedule and I make no promises as to how quickly or steadily it will be worked on. Please feel free to make comments or criticisms, provide feedback and/or ideas and above all, enjoy. The preliminary title is simply, The Protector.

She’d never be sure why she looked up. Maybe it was the shadow that caught in her peripheral vision. Maybe it was the shiver she felt run down her neck. Maybe it was quite simply the heat. Whatever the reason, she glanced up and in that precise moment, her life changed.
Up until that point, her life had been very basic, very simple. Nothing spectacular had ever happened to her. She’d never gone on an adventure or met anyone famous. She’d been born to middle-class parents who loved and supported her, even if they disagreed on certain issues. She’d attended McHenry Elementary school, followed by McHenry Middle and finally McHenry High. Her grades were always good, mostly A’s with the occasional B. She was student president of the school’s choral department, worked with the technical theatre crew from time to time, was a member of the National Honors Society and had every intention of graduating with a near perfect 3.8 GPA. She’d dated a few guys throughout high school, but had never gotten serious about any of them.
Her plans for the future followed the same simpleness as her past. She’d go to college, then grad school, getting first her bachelor’s and then her master’s and possibly a doctorate in psychology. She’d find a good steady job that she enjoyed, eventually meet someone and fall in love, get married and have three perfect children to love and raise as her parents had raised her. Very simple. Some might even say typical, but she didn’t care.
She had it all planned out.
Or so she thought.
But then she looked up…and her eyes met his. Life slowed to a standstill. The pencil she held in her hand clattered on the sidewalk. Her notebook slid off her lap as she slowly rose off the park bench. Her blood ran cold as she focused on his right hand, the object in it raised and pointed at her. Her eyes flickered right, then left, looking for some form of help. There was none. She looked back at him and as their eyes met once more, he grinned triumphantly. She knew she was dead. There was nowhere to run.
She heard the pop. Her very simple life flashed before her eyes. A burst of pain hit her side…and then everything went black.

Aubry woke, aware of the dull pounding behind her eyes. She tried to move and winced. Her body ached all over. Why did she hurt? Wasn’t heaven supposed to be pleasant? She shouldn’t be in pain if she was dead. And she knew she’d died. She’d seen the gun, heard it go off. She’d felt the bullet hit…or had she? She remembered being hit in the side, but now that she thought about it, it hadn’t felt like bullet, or at least what she imagined a bullet would feel like ripping through skin, muscle and bone. She fell back against a soft mattress and pillow and tried to figure out what had happened, and more importantly, where she was now. It was dark, but not pitch and she could make out basic shapes along the walls. Pieces of furniture, she assumed. On the opposite side of the room she saw a thin line of light along the floor. Must be the door, she thought.
Her prediction proved correct when what was indeed a door swung open and let in a stream of light. Dim, seeing as it was candlelight, but light nonetheless. The candelabrum was held by a plump woman in a faded grey dress, covered by an equally faded apron. The woman stopped and set something, a tray of sorts, onto what must have been a dresser next to the bed, and then turned toward Aubry.
“Ah, good, you’re awake,” she said in a kind and gentle voice. “Can you sit up? I’ve bought you some soup in case you’re hungry.”
“What happened? Where am I?” Aubry asked the woman. “Who are you? How…?”
“Hush,” the woman replied, ladling soup into a ceramic mug, holding it out to Aubry. “Eat this. It will help you regain your strength.”
Aubry regarded the soup somewhat suspiciously, then took the mug from the woman and took a hesitant sip. It was hot, soothing to her dry throat and surprisingly quite tasty. She continued to drink for a moment, and then looked up to thank the woman. “What’s your name?”
“You can call me Maud,” the woman replied with a smile. “Now, you finish every bit of that soup and get some more rest. You’ve had a rough day.” She turned towards the door but turned back when Aubry called out.
“Please,” Aubry said. “Please, can’t you tell me where I am? And why? What happened to me?”
Maud’s eyes roved over Aubry for a moment, glanced away and then returned to meet Aubry’s gaze. “Tis a story that’s not mine to tell. Nor is this the time. Don’t worry. All you need know right now is you’re safe. Get some sleep and have no fear. Tynan will continue to watch over you as he has for so long.”
“Tynan?” Puzzled, Aubry glanced around the dark room. “Who’s Tynan?”
Maud nodded towards the corner opposite the bed in which Aubry lay. She then turned and walked out the door, shutting it quietly behind her. Aubry turned her head in the direction Maud had indicated and gasped when she noticed the young man leaning against the wall. He’d been hidden in the shadows.

Tynan silently watched the girl as she finally acknowledged his presence. His breathing was slow, deep and he hadn’t moved once since he had laid her on the small cot and taken up his position in the shadows to keep guard over her until she awakened. He doubted she’d have ever realized she wasn’t alone if Maud hadn’t pointed him out.
His dark eyes saw her blue ones widen in surprise as she noticed his outline against the wall. His eyes never left her as she glanced back towards the door Maud had just walked through. He’d watched over her for twelve years now, ever since his people had discovered who she really was. He still remembered the first time he’d seen her, a cheerful girl of six years, blue eyes shining and red ponytail bouncing back and forth as her father had pushed her on a swing. She’d shouted, “Higher, Daddy!” and squealed as the sky had rushed down at her, then retreated as she plunged back towards the ground.
Later, as she’d chased after the Frisbee her father had sent sailing over her head, she’d fallen and cried out when she scraped her knee. He’d fought the urge to run to her, to scoop her up and tell her that everything would be alright. Startled by the surge of protectiveness he’d felt toward the young child, he’d stayed hidden in the trees and watched as her father had kissed her knee and made it better.
From that moment on his sole purpose had been to protect her, to guard her and keep her from harm. The title of protector had been his birthright. His father had protected the royal family before him, as had his father’s father. From the time he’d been a small child he’d been trained and prepared for his role, the duty of his rank ingrained in him since birth. Though she had yet to know it, they were connected. Immediately following the discovery of her identity, her safety had been assigned to him and even in those times when he couldn’t be near her, couldn’t physically protect her he’d been able to see. He knew her movements, her habits and occasionally he was granted a brief glance into her thoughts. If ever there was any hint of danger, immediately he would rush to her, always without her knowledge.
She’d been his life for the past twelve years. Nothing affected her that did not affect him also. For such a long time, his life had revolved around her existence. Yet she only learned of his existence now, when times were dire and a growing threat had nearly ended her life. For a moment, he wished circumstances were different. He wished that he’d been able to meet this young woman, who was such an integral part of his life, in a different time and a different place. A time and place where she was just a woman and he just a man. But wishing was folly and he knew better than most that it did no good. Wishing couldn’t change what was…and what had to be.
Her eyes came back to his slowly. She simply stared, confusion flooding her eyes. “Who are you?” she whispered. Tynan stared back at her, but didn’t answer. “Tynan,” she said slowly, trying his name out. His heart lurched at hearing his name on her lips. Still, he remained silent.
“Please,” she said, “tell me what happened. Where am I? I need to know,” she pleaded.
“You need to rest,” he replied gruffly. “Drink what Maud gave you. It will help you sleep so you can regain your strength.”
“I don’t want to sleep,” she retorted. “I want to know what’s going on. Nothing makes sense. I don’t know where I am or how I got here. Who is Maud? Who are you?”
Tynan looked into Aubry’s eyes, torn by the confusion and fear he saw there. He quietly whispered, “I’m your protector.”
“My protector?” she asked. “What does that mean?” When Tynan gave no answer, she cried out, “I’m so confused and everything’s so strange. One minute I was sitting in the sun and the next I’m in a place I don’t recognize and talking to people I don’t know. I just want to know what happened.” Her eyes filled with tears and one trickled over and flowed down her cheek. Her breath hitched as she tried to control her emotions but the tears continued to flow.
Tynan rushed to her side and sad down next to her on the cot. “Shh,” he whispered. “Everything’s going to be alright, I swear to you. In time you’ll understand.” She leaned into him, laying her head on his shoulder and hesitantly he wrapped his arms around her and held her as she wept. “Shh,” he repeated over and over again, willing her to sleep. Finally she did.
It was only a second before she drifted into deep sleep and dreams that she noticed the white bandage wrapped around Tynan’s side.

She dreamed of Tynan. Her dreams were troubled, confusing and strange, but throughout them all his presence lingered. She was running, being chased by a nameless darkness. She knew that in the darkness was an evil that was intent on destroying her. Her breathing hitched as she urged her legs to pump faster. As the evil gained on her, Tynan appeared in her path. She knew somehow that with him she was safe and she stretched her arms out toward him as she ran. Yet the nearer she came, the more he faded, disappearing completely at the moment she would have reached his side.
Then she was back on the bench in the park. She looked up and stared into the empty eyes of death. She saw the gun, raised and pointed towards her. She heard the shot, felt the impact of being hit in the side. But the grunt of pain she heard did not come from her lips and the blood spreading across her hands did not flow from her veins. Tynan.
Aubry shot awake, breathing hard. Her eyes searched the dimness until they found the man among the shadows who had returned to his spot of vigilance.
“You were hit,” she said, understanding now why he wore the bandage she’d seen before slipping into sleep. Tynan made no reply but she saw the acknowledgement of her statement in his eyes. “That man tried to kill me and you took the bullet meant for me. Didn’t you?” she urged, when he still did not answer.
Tynan nodded slowly, watching emotions play across her features as she glanced down at her hands. He barely heard her whisper…my protector. The words were barely audible.
“Why?” she asked, looking up at him again. “You told me you were my protector, but why would you, a person I’ve never met before, willingly take a bullet that was meant for me? None of this makes sense.” Her eyes pleaded with him to answer her questions and he would…in time. However, he could never reveal to her or anyone else for that matter, why he’d really put himself in the path of a bullet aimed straight for her heart. He was sworn to protect her and therefore it was his duty to do so, yes, but that reasoning meant little to him now.
The truth was she’d won his heart twelve years ago when she’d fallen. He’d yearned to cradle her in his arms, comfort her and chase away the twinge of pain that scraped knee had caused. He loved her and because he loved her, her life would always come before his own. But he couldn’t tell her that. She would learn much in the coming days and it would be difficult for her to understand and even harder to accept. Her whole life was about to change and she needed his protection and nothing more. Once the ordeal was over and everything accomplished, she’d take her rightful place in his world and his vow would be fulfilled. Her life would go on…without him. He would fade into the background, his feelings for her forever locked away, secret and silent.
Aubry watched as Tynan’s eyes filled with sadness and longing and another emotion she couldn’t quite identify. A bare hint of a smile crossed his lips as if he were remembering a pleasant memory; but as quickly as it came, it faded and was replaced with a look of tortured resignation. She opened her mouth to ask him what was wrong but never got the chance as the door to the small room opened and Maude walked in, carrying another tray of food.
Relief filled Tynan as he watched Maude stride toward the bed. He knew Aubry had been about to question him further and he was grateful for the well-timed reprieve. He needed a moment to get his thoughts and emotions under control and he couldn’t do that with Aubry gazing at him, her blue eyes filled with uncertainty and fear.
He walked over to Maude and whispered in her ear. She looked at him, nodded, then turned back to Aubry as he headed for the door.
“Wait!” Aubry cried as his hand settled on the knob. “Where are you going?”
“Not far,” he replied, glancing over his shoulder. When her eyes filled with doubt he turned to face her. “I’m never far,” he promised. She stared at him for a moment, then nodded, reassured. He nodded back, gave a slight bow and turned to walk out, shutting the door quietly behind him.

A beginning

I have not "blogged" in a long while because I always felt that blogging was supposed to be some online method of keeping a journal. And while I have always had good intentions about keeping a journal, whether online or not....well, we all know where good intentions will lead us.

So here is a place for me to...well, I'm not really sure. I'm sure there will be posts of joy and sorrow, as well as the occasional ridiculously pissed off. Take from it what you will, if you choose to read such things. And if no one does read such things, at least I have a place to let my thoughts flow freely when my head becomes too small a domain for them.

As to the regularity of any posts, I make no promises. My intention is to attempt to keep this updated regularly and I believe this to be a good intention--one more to add to the pavement on the road to hell.