High

So I read at a poetry slam last night. I've never read my own original work in front of an audience before, so needless to say, I was extremely nervous before the slam got started. There were eight competitors and we drew to determine the order in which we'd read. I drew eight, which was kind of nice--I was still nerve-wracked though.

After the first seven contestants, it was finally my turn to read. I got up to the stand, adjusted the microphone and began to read. My legs were shaking, but luckily my voice was steady. And then I lost myself in the meaning behind my words...just focused on the feelings that I'd felt when I'd first wrote the piece. And suddenly, the twenty or so people who were listening to me read didn't matter anymore. I was getting the chance to portray the exact way I'd felt...it was my perception that I got to share, my own interpretation. I finished and I heard applause and as I walked back to my seat...actually more like I floated. I felt the urge to just laugh for no reason at all. It was such a high!

I made it through the first elimination and got to read again. This time was easier. And then I made it through the second elimination and got to read in the last round. By that time I was more comfortable than I thought I'd ever be in front of a crowd.

And then they announced the winners. I took second. :) Way, way more than I had expected walking into this thing. All I'd hoped for was to be able to make it through my first piece without stuttering. Like I said...total high! Can't wait to do it again.

revelation

I forgot how much I totally love writing. Sad, I know. But seriously, I haven't done any serious writing in years because I've "been too busy," "don't have time," "don't have any fresh ideas," blah blah blah. And now, I've been bombarded with this need to write, to put into words the creative ideas inside my head. And it feels so absolutely wonderful to be doing what I'm doing. There's just an utter release and sense of relaxation in putting words down on paper. A sense of urgency in getting thoughts settled before they run away and total elation as the thoughts form a complete whole. I am so incredibly happy at this exact moment in time. I feel as though I have done something worthwhile (I just finished a short story) and it's a great feeling. And now to bed...I have stayed up way too late typing out the expressions in my head. But what is one supposed to do when creative juices are flowing? Snap the lid and hope they don't go flat? I think not.

Charlatan

Turn to a page, it’s all laid out
so grab a pen and write it down.
It’s on the desk so take a peek
and let the others know what you see.
Your hair is blonde, your eyes are blue.
So are his—pull a switch-a-roo.
Shuffle the deck and slide your chips,
hope the queen won’t give you the slip.
Place your bet, you’ll win your game—
the thoroughbred just came up lame.
Check your figures, you’re on the mend.
An extra zero puts you up by ten.
Strike a match and watch it burn,
you’re insured, procure an urn.
Turn off the phone, no time for tact.
Get the other flat on her back.
You’re one step up, one stride ahead.
The deed’s been done, the word’s been said.
Yet when night comes and the day is through,
live with the shame that hangs over you.

statement of faith

Today was All Saints Day at church and it was amazing! I love this Sunday every year, because one, it's a reminder of the gift of eternal life that is waiting at the end of this life for those who believe, two, it gives encouragement to those who are having difficult times and three, we get to sing some kick-ass hymns during the church service!! This is more of a personal post, written for my own enjoyment and peace of mind--it is not meant to be a sermon or anything like that. But for any who are interested, the following are the lyrics of my favorite hymn "For All the Saints" and then the words of the Nicene Creed, which basically spells out the basis of my faith.

For all the saints, who from their labors rest,
who thee by faith before the world confessed,
thy name, O Jesus, be forever blest.
Alleluia, Alleluia!

Thou wast their rock, their fortress, and their might;
thou Lord, their captain in the well-fought fight;
thou in the darkness drear, their one true light.
Alleluia, Alleluia!

O may thy soldiers, faithful, true, and bold,
fight as the saints who nobly fought of old,
and win with them the victor's crown of gold.
Alleluia, Alleluia!

O blest communion, fellowship divine!
We feebly struggle, they in glory shine;
yet all are one in thee, for all are thine.
Alleluia, Alleluia!

And when the strife is fierce, the warfare long,
steals on the ear the distant triumph song,
and hearts are brave again, and arms are strong.
Alleluia, Alleluia!

From earth's wide bounds, from ocean's farthest coast,
through gates of pearl streams in the countless host,
singing to Father, Son, and Holy Ghost:
Alleluia, Alleluia!

I believe in one God, the Father Almighty,
Maker of Heaven and Earth
and of all things visible and invisible.

And in one Lord Jesus Christ, the only begotten Son of God
begotten of his Father before all worlds,
God of God,
Light of Light,
very God of very God,
begotten, not made, being of one substance with the Father
by whom all things were made.
Who for us men, and for our salvation, came down from Heaven
and was incarnate by the Holy Spirit of the virgin Mary
and was made man
and was crucified also for us under Pontious Pilate.
He suffered and was buried
and on the third day He rose again, according to the Scriptures.
He ascended into Heaven
and He shall come again with glory, to judge both the living and the dead
whose kingdom shall have no end.

And I believe in the Holy Spirit,
the Lord and Giver of life
who proceeded from the Father and the Son,
who with the Father and the Son together is worshiped and glorified.
Who spoke by the prophets.
And I believe in one holy christian and apostolic church.
I acknowledge one baptism for the remission of sins
and I look for the resurrection of the dead and the life of the world to come.
Amen.

So...apparently...I am a horrible person. Why? Because I was upfront and honest. Rather than pretend to feel a way I didn't and be someone I wasn't, I informed someone that I was not interested and was planning on attempting to salvage a relationship with another. And for this I am a horrible person and should go screw myself. Go figure. I suppose it would have been much better if I'd pretended to care when I didn't, to lie to said person and do the salvaging behind his back, to string him along for days, weeks, months, acting as if everything was absolutely fine and then eventually break the news to him that none of it had been real. I'm sure that would have hurt so much less than letting him know up front. Absolutely. Idiot. If doing what I did makes me a horrible person, bring on the horrible-ness. I'm totally ok with it. Ugh! Why do people not think before they speak? What is so incredibly hard about that? I'd love to know, but something tells me there is no logical answer. Because people are stupid. End of story.

So ends my rant. Ciao!

poetry

I used to have all of my poetry posted in other online places, but decided that such a place as this was more appropriate. While my pieces were posted one at a time on other sites, they are all being posted at once here, because this is simply easier than creating a number of new posts. So, please feel free to read one or all, and as with all my writing, comments and critiques are always welcome. Enjoy.

Seizing

I reached out, picked up
as I had time and again,
Turned around, leaned back,
thinking, waiting…

I glanced over, grinned
getting ready to roll my eyes,
Heard her, listened,
fearing, dreading…

My heart dropped, breath caught
as my world came to a halt,
Affirmed, let go,
running, falling…

I entered in, shut out,
heard the question asked.
I answered, then crumbled,
gasping, weeping…

I walked away, drifted,
saw the clouds and lines rush by
Pictured, imagined,
sleeping, dying…

I arrived, sat down
stared hard but saw naught.
Refused comfort, drew away
crying, aching…

And after a moment,
seconds…
a lifetime…

I witnessed, observed
and my world began to spin
Reassured, answered,
awaking, rejoicing…alive.


Exhilaration

Trapped by ideals,
Afraid to let go
I tensed and retreated
And softly said no.

And terror abounded
As my heart quickened pace.
Control swiftly fading,
Instinct taking its place.

The movements were new,
Feelings raw and unreal
I trembled and shook
And tried not to feel.

He whispered my name.
I looked into his eyes
And saw reassurance.
I had only to try.

Black and white faded
As color exploded
Gasping and sighing
In pleasure I floated.

And so I let go
Free to feel, free to fall
No distress, no regrets
As I broke down the wall.


Rivers

Since time began,
Existence has been theirs.
He reached out,
Set their course
And then watched them flow.

Through the ages,
Strength has been theirs.
O’er the rocks,
Through the trees,
Constant and steady they flow.

As the sun sets today,
My love has been theirs.
Miles away,
Far yet near,
They carry my heart as they flow.

In tomorrow’s tomorrow,
Life will still be theirs.
Hand in hand,
Heart in heart,
We’ll walk alongside as they flow.


Wednesday Nights

Zero degrees…
Initial comfort,
Fingers nimble,
Eyes alert,
Mind ready.

Ninety-three degrees…
Early shifting,
Couple clicks,
Back and forth,
Slight wandering.

Two hundred and fifty-six degrees…
Heavy sigh,
Watching hands,
Flipping pages,
Attention ceases.

Three hundred and seventy-five degrees…
Muscles stretch,
Tendons crack,
Fingers race,
Dreading return.

Seven hundred and twenty degrees…
Voices drone,
Pencils tap,
Scrolling through,
Utter boredom.

One thousand degrees…
Folding over,
Slipping on,
Racing out,
Freedom beckons.


(in progress)

The single bloom was lost, adrift
Alone in winter’s chill
Its petals drawn in tight and taut
Surviving by sheer will.

Abandoned by the outside world
Beset by wind and snow
The bloom began to wilt and die
No will was left to grow.

And then one day you crossed its path
You paused and then you sought
To give life back to the dull bloom
And see it as it ought.

Your presence was a bright hot sun
Which melted the cold frost
And when the heat embraced the bloom
Life was no longer lost.


Release

The day was one
of peaceful accord,
the sky calm,
the air still.
Yet the slightest hint of tension
surfaced and lingered,
drawing me out.
So I arose
and drifted towards the shore.

Looking out over the waves,
shining blue
and clear,
the tension grew.
Stretching forth its fingers
it stroked my soul
and discomfort
warred with serenity.

The breeze began to quicken.
The waves
jumped up and fell.
Whispering softly into the wind,
I pleaded,
asking the stillness to stay.
But tension demanded
the day.

The sky grew dark and grim,
the wind,
damp and chill.
Shuddering, my heart
began to sob,
desperate for something
unknown
it had yet to name.

A single bolt lit up the sea
as the clouds
churned and swirled,
and with a glance
I saw It there,
struggling,
sinking slowly beneath the surface
of the waves.
A novel spark was lit.

The spark in me
flashed
and glimmered.
But the wind blew fierce
so I turned away,
begging silently
for the flash to die
and the quiet to return.

But tension would not be flouted,
nor the storm overlooked
or disregarded.
And the gale
rose up.
Winds hard,
waves high
and I felt Its pull
and turned.

It drew me forth,
back
to the edge of the sea.
Crying out,
It called to me, luring me,
enticing me into
a tempest of which
I was too scared to face
but couldn’t
escape.

As I watched It strain,
and watched
It strive
my heart tore free.
But I stood
still
as the rains began
to fall,
torn between the
heart of the storm and
the mind of the calm.

The thunder
rolled
and roared
as the waves grew high and swelled.
The wind circled
and swirled
as the rain fell down
in torrents
and tension reigned.
It opened Its eyes,
piercing me with Its gaze.

And in that moment,
my heart soared and flew
racing along with
the wind.
Without a choice and
with a feeling of
freedom
I embraced the storm
and dove into
the angry sea.

Fighting the waves,
trying to breathe,
I followed
my heart
to It.
And when I settled into
Its waiting arms,
tension retreated
and I found
the peace
that had eluded me.


Fury

Small, it starts,
a tiny flare,
in a pit both deep and wide.
I feel the spark,
the flash of heat,
the rushing wave of a tide.

The flare, it grows,
stretching high.
The heat begins to spread.
The air grows still,
my eyes grow hot,
overwhelmed by shades of red.

Tension seeps
into the room.
Her eyes meet mine, retreat.
Anger brims,
fights for release,
erupts, embraces heat.

Burning hot,
it spreads and grows
into a sea of flame.
I close my eyes,
beg for release
from the bitterness and rage.

She leaves the room,
it starts to cool,
to slowly drain away.
A winter chill
o'ertakes the heat,
forever takes its place.


Longing

As you slip out of your dreams
I am falling into mine.
And in that brief moment,
that instant flash of time,
hands brush, minds meet,
hearts perfectly align.

Moments pass, you disappear
and I drift through dreams alone.
Familiar sights, they haunt me
and sometimes things unknown,
but always, always,
I search for you, for home.

And as the winds of time blow by
your presence draws ever near.
Yet I wait on the brink
filled with love and with fear
for as you enter,
I must leave here.

Brief passes in the night,
no time to speak or touch.
Yet in matters of the heart
so little is enough.
For although apart,
we're embraced by love.

So as your dreams hail you
I must rise up and wake.
In passing my heart calls,
yours answers and it waits
until, once again
in dreams we may meet.


Restlessness

I couldn’t say why
but I just couldn’t stay.
I felt the need simply to go.
But as the trees flew by
and the lines blurred past,
the need didn’t wither, but grew.

And when I arrived
there at my journey’s end
something told me I just wasn’t done.
The need gripped me tightly,
it wouldn’t let go
so I turned back around and I ran.

Past houses, past cars,
through the fields and the woods
through cities and counties and states
I ran right to the end,
the edge of the earth
and yet the need lingered, so strong.

So I turned around,
and ran back to my home.
The need would not ever depart.
No place was far enough
in all of the world.
So now, oh need, where shall I go?


Abandoning Acquiescence

For years I’ve walked ‘round in circles,
towards a place I can’t see and don’t know
not caring enough to do more than be,
convincing myself I was content.

Never questioning the path that I walked-
a path that others had set,
following a dream that was never mine
but believing it had to be meant.

And because I never had to before
I refused to say yes or say no.
Scared to be wrong, to say something amiss,
with whatever you wanted, I went.

And I just couldn’t see, I didn’t understand
why it angered and frustrated you so.
Focused on you, I lost sight of me—
my own worth I’d simply forget.

My love for you I would always put first,
not seeing that you did the same.
You wouldn’t allow me to lose sight of myself
and the life that I hadn’t lived yet.

You opened my eyes and forced me to look,
to acknowledge I’m worth more than I thought.
In loving myself I can better love you
throughout any and all, ‘til the end.


Untamed

He tells me he's wild, and it may be so,
but why should I care?
If he is wild, then he is wildness and
wildness is he
and he is for me.


Moments

Roads are for journeys and my journey is long.
And yet,
though time passes slow,
the sights fly by in flashes that I can’t get back.

I glance back to see, but they are gone.
And so I turn back,
look forward,
and am determined to not miss the next.

And as the journey continues
I realize,
time doesn’t matter.
Worry ceases
and I feel a great freedom.

Looking forward I anticipate,
and I don’t miss the next flash.
A smile, a tear, an embrace.

Roads are for journeys
and this one is mine.


My Warrior

I was there at your beginning,
we’ll be together at the end.
And between you and me, from then until now
is a sea of memories in which I’ll float
while you are gone.

Each wave a picture,
each tide bringing feelings to match,
flowing together, seamless, endless.
They are you, they are me,
forever entwined.

I climbed up next to her as she held you in her arms,
little more than a babe myself.
You gurgled, I laughed.
So small, yet with a grip so strong,
I marveled at the wonder of you.

And as you grew, so did I.
Fighting became a favorite pastime.
I complained, you whined, you shouted, I screamed.
But it never mattered in the end
because the love between siblings always won out.

I nearly killed him when he called you names.
You almost killed him when he broke my heart.
I’ve cried on your shoulder and you’ve cried on mine.
Neither of us asking for the other,
both of us knowing we didn’t have to.

Through the past years we’ve always been together.
I left for a time, then came home.
Now you do the same.
No longer a child, you’ve grown into quite a man
and have your own road to follow.

You’ve grown in faith, in strength, in love
and now put those qualities to the test.
As you embark on life, know this:
All the pride and love I possess
go with you, my brother.

You go to fight an ongoing battle,
for life, for freedom, for you, for me.
Be always strong, my little warrior,
and always look to Him for guidance
for He will never fail to show you the way home.

Searching

Her fear kept her silent.
Desperation made her cling
to a love that was broken,
beaten and worn.
The loss she would feel
should she set free her thoughts
was a cost she was certain
her soul could not bear.

He asked her to speak.
In his eyes she could see
His expectation, demanding,
silent and strong.
She searched for the words,
reached deep down inside,
but failing, unable,
she turned and hid away.

Convincing herself
that her love was enough,
she ignored all that left her
unhappy and hurt.
But a whisper of doubt
her companion became.
And his words told her softly:
Be yourself, who you’re meant to be.

And the thought crossed her mind
should she follow his advice,
she must suffer that loss
aching and deep.
Yet what was the point
of an unfounded love
if she gave up herself
just to keep it alive?

The pain was severe
as she released and let go.
His heart for her life,
her own but alone.
And as she walked away,
her heart fractured, yet whole,
she told herself firmly
that she would survive.

So the hours slipped past,
the days turned into weeks.
And she found her footing,
Confident, sure.
Yet she missed the clear sound
of his voice in her ear
and the feel of his skin
on her fingertips.

Then the question sprang forth,
the answer fast on its heels.
Could she not truly have both,
herself and her heart?
For the thing she’d feared losing
she’d already lost—
through her own inaction
due to fear and distrust.

Her thoughts left unspoken
she suddenly voiced
and the heart she’d kept hidden
now opened, embraced.
He listened, accepted
and welcomed her home.
Her heart joined with his—
fear no longer reigned.